the difference between this show and allllll the others: Jayne’s reaction to the hat is not AWWWW MOM WHY ARE YOU MAKING ME WEAR THIS HAT but, instead, is THIS IS THE AWESOME HAT Y’ALL DON’T EVEN KNOW.
Traumatic bonding is a hit with abusers, because it helps him to maintain much-needed control. It helps him keep you where he wants you: tethered to him and his soul-destroying behaviour. But, the bond isn’t as iron-clad as he imagines. Here’s five things he hopes you don’t know about traumatic-bonding, and how to shake off the shackles.
1. What is trauma bonding?
Traumatic-bonding is an intense attachment to your abuser. It happens when you feel emotionally and physically dependent upon a dominant partner – who dishes out abuse and rewards so you believe that he’s all-powerful.
“powerful emotional attachments are seen to develop from two specific features of abusive relationships: power imbalances and intermittent good-bad treatment.”
2. Abusers reward and abuse to maintain power
Your abuser is all about power and control. He (or she) systematically erodes your ability to think and act independently, using a range of manipulative tactics which may include:
physically abusing or intimidating you, gas-lighting you so you doubt our own judgement, isolating you from friends and family that may be able to help, manipulative lies designed to undermine your self-esteem and run you down, making sure that your time, energy and other resources are focussed on solely his needs keeping you continually short of money (financial abuse).
What’s more, most abusers pepper their abuse with ‘rewards for good behaviour’. Maybe you get a thank-you kiss for managing to get his dinner on the table at the right time. Perhaps he takes you out for dinner to make up for last night’s drunken tirade. You may have heard – at least once, and probably repeatedly – that you are the best thing that ever happened to him (when he isn’t labelling you as worthless or making you feel the same way without saying the actual word.) You feel relief, hope, and even happiness – however temporary.
3. Abusers want us to feel dependent
He controls whether you are happy or sad, whether you are safe or in pain, if you are secure and comfortable or lonely and filled with self-loathing. Under this determined conditioning, you may (inaccurately) believe he is stronger than you. While this may make you cleave to him for protection, it also fuels your sense of powerlessness – making it harder to challenge or escape him.
In time, like a baby, you feel dependent upon your abuser for all of your emotional and physical needs. You form a powerful emotional attachment to him, which he doggedly reinforces through a pattern of abuse and reward.
Learning theorists have found that this intermittent reinforcement/punishment pattern develops the strongest of emotional bonds. Particularly intense relationships and extreme abuse forms even stronger feelings of attachment.
This powerful attachment – which arises directly from sustained periods of intermittent abuse and power imbalance – is known as traumatic-bonding.
4. Resisting the bond isn’t easy, but we can break free
Some suggest that the trauma bond triggers biological changes as well as emotional ones. This may cause you to be dependent on the highs and lows of the abuse cycle. Going ‘cold turkey’ seems impossible.
In addition, abusers are difficult to shake off. To get free, you have likely endured physical or emotional assaults including emotional blackmail and hoovering campaigns. These are the abuser’s attempts to maintain control, and they haul repeatedly on the trauma-bond to do it.
Often, you bounce back because – painful though it is to live with an abuser – your sense of self-reliance is utterly eroded and it hurts to battle the emotional attachment to him. I was only able to successfully leave my abuser on the third serious attempt. Many other times I was determined to leave, but didn’t.
5. Time really is a healer
To stay out, I had to fight not only my abuser and his determined hoovering – I also had to fight myself. Many times I wanted to answer his calls. Often, I lay in bed at night, imagining the route I’d drive to get back to him. I could just hop in the car and go! That would stop the ache in my ribs, right? When he came to my door to insist on my return, a part of me cried out to give in each time.
I was exhausted, hypersensitive and anxious – all symptoms of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. Waves of grief and pangs of longing left me breathless. But, as his hoovering turned to stalking, I listened to my head rather than my heart. Sticking to my Essential To Do list, the trauma-bond weakened with each day that passed. Life got easier. I grew stronger.
Researchers have found that after six months, attachment decreases by about 27 per cent. For those of us struggling with traumatic bonding, time really is a healer.
Remember, “You have nothing to lose but your chains. You have a world to win.”
You are always stronger than your abuser. You have the ability to leave, at any time. Getting out is hard, but not impossible. You can help yourself by recognising that it is not love that’s pulling you back – rather, it’s a powerful emotional attachment that he created as a direct result of his abuse. The avalanche of emotions that you feel are normal. You are not crazy or weak because you feel that tug on the trauma-bond. In time, the bond will weaken – and working on your own recovery can help this process along.
I’m sending this out to my friend who’s trapped in an abusive relationship.
You’re not alone, darling. You’re not powerless to stop him or to make a change. I’m here for you and I’ll do everything in my power to get you someplace safe. Don’t let him cut you off from your friends and family. Please don’t lay in bed and give up on trying. You’re a beautiful, lovely, wonderful person and your Daddy should build you up and make you happy, not tear you down and make you cry. You can make a change. Please do so now before it’s too late.
Happy McKay Monday! Today’s episode is Hot Zone (one of my personal favorite episodes from season 1).
ZELENKA: Seven thousand, five hundred forty-nine.
McKAY (sarcastically): Oh, please. Prime. Four thousand and twenty-one.
ZELENKA: Ah, nice try! Uh, not prime. OK — Lieutenant Ford: five hundred ninety-nine.
FORD: I don’t care if it’s a prime number or not.
ZELENKA: Oh, come on. Yes or no?
FORD (clearly guessing): No.
ZELENKA (to Rodney): Ha! It’s incredible! Ten for ten!
McKAY: He is terrible.
FORD: So I suck at Prime / Not Prime. Somehow I’m going to sleep tonight.
ZELENKA: At this point it’s gone way beyond you not knowing your prime numbers.
McKAY: It’s a true / false game. Statistically, just by guessing, you should be getting at least half of these right. Look: nine ninety-three.
FORD (guessing): Prime.
McKAY: Oh, come on, that’s an easy one! You hearing this, Hays?
HAYS (bored): Not really. Guess I’ve been too busy doing my job.
McKAY: We’ve already been through this section of Atlantis, Doctor Killjoy. It’s structurally sound.
ZELENKA: Lieutenant Ford, would you mind being a subject of research paper on statistical probabilities? (He giggles.)
FORD: This is some sort of pay-back for guys like me beating up guys like you in high school, right?
*(1) There is a “failsafe” mechanism on the ocean floor. With big power it ripped off the anchor of town from the bottom of ocean. We were… we were afraid… were… were… we were afraid. *(2) Unbelievable. What is happening, and that noise. The whole city was trembling as if it was an earthquake. That was something unbelievable. And suddenly we were moving. All the city was ascending, ascending up, up to the surface. That, that was something unbelievable. *(3) And the towers punched through the surface of water and we were going up, up. Waters, waves, waterfalls. All that water was falling down from that heights and we were shot up, absolutely on the top, and suddenly sun. *(4) Sun was simply shining to all windows. I will remember it to my death.
- Letters from Pegasus ￨ Stargate Atlantis ￨ s01e17
#inktober 21/31: #ifirit #fae #illustration #inkwash #ink #coloredink #art #drawing #painting #studiosquid #tentaclemadestudios (at tentacle-made studios at Hemlock House)
#inktober 20/31: #ifirit #chimera #ink #inkwash #coloredink #illustration #art #drawing #painting #wings #fae #studiosquid #tentaclemadestudios (at tentacle-made studios at Hemlock House)
Things Are About To Go To Hell Again in Ferguson: Working to confirm the information above. When I get confirmation, I will give it. No matter what, please stay safe in Ferguson this week, especially tomorrow. [Source]
why the fuck